Nick Carraway 

I’m a nice guy but I might like boys, don’t tell anyone though. It was a one time thing and I don’t even remember what happened except for some paintings and a guy in his underwear. I have a superiority complex but not because I’m rich, even though I am, kind of. I’m just smarter than literally everyone, like it’s not my fault. Ok so I dated this girl Jordan for like a couple months, she like has golden shoulders, it was sick, buuut she’s just not my type. I also kind of have an odd obsession with Gatsby, love him. 

Jay Gatsby 

I enjoy bootlegging, driving, and Daisy. I throw elaborate parties, their the best, just like me. Tom Buchanan’s a big fat turd and Daisy deserves better, like me, she deserves me. I enjoy very colorful things, like gold, I love gold. Daisy has this light thing, it’s green, I want it. I’ve been told I’m quite handsome and have a glittery smile, I enjoy long swims, some would say eternal swims. I spend mass amounts of money to impress Daisy. Daisy. Daisy. Daisy. 

Tom Buchanan 

I really love riding horses and playing croquet… at the same time. It’s called polo. My daddy still provides for me, it’s great. I’ve never had a job, so I’ll always be around. Unless I’m cheating. You should probably question why I’m not around because I literally do nothing that involves work. I hate Gatsby, he’s a bootlegger and he works. Gross. He also thinks that Daisy loves him, which is weird because she’s married to me. I’m handsome and have a cruel body type, some would say I’m ripped because I have nothing to do but work out. Don’t tell Daisy about my dating profile, not that she’d care, she’s only with me for my money.