zkennedy22's blog

“I’m terrified and my heart is beating so fast but I’m gonna do it, I’m going to jump.” That was the last text I received from my girlfriend. When the phone rang and I received the news of the accident, I thought it was a mistake, it couldn’t be. It’s impossible. That’s not how Jane was supposed to die. This isn’t what we planned.

Jane had stage IVB cervical cancer and just last week we were sitting in that cold gloomy doctor’s office when Dr. Jones told us Jane was in remission. I remember looking over at Jane who was in shock and watching her smile with tears dripping down her face. It had been so long since I’ve seen her smile so genuinely. Not to sound pessimistic but over the course of treatment we had came to accept her death. We made funeral arrangements and we had both come to terms with it. But that day in the doctor’s office, Jane got a reboot on life- a fresh start.

That evening, Jane decided she needed to do something big to start her new life. This was the perfect chance for Jane to go bungee jumping in Switzerland. Before cancer, she was always seeking thrills and trying new things. She had been wanting to go to Switzerland, so this was ideal. I remember sitting on the couch with her head resting on my shoulder while I was explaining that I wanted to come with her and jump too. She was stubborn and insisted she had to go alone to mark the start of her new life. I didn’t fully understand why I couldn’t be there, but I said I got it, and encouraged her.

Jane boarded the plane to Switzerland two days later. While saying goodbye, I felt like something wasn’t right, but ignored it. I told myself it was because I wanted to go with her. I should have said something, I should have stopped her from getting on the plane. But how could I tell my girlfriend who just survived cancer that she couldn’t go? I couldn’t hold her back. That’s not how her new life was supposed to start.

So here I am, sitting on the cold kitchen floor not know what to do. I feel like this is my fault. I could have, I should have stopped her from going. She would be mad at me, but she would be alive. We would still have a future together, we could have bought a house, gotten married, had three kids and, been a happy family. We didn’t even fantasize our future together until she was in remission, but after those few days of daydreaming about naming our kids, I was getting used to the idea.

Jane survived the high mortality rates of stage IVB cervical cancer, and died from a freak accident. How was that fair?

Filed by zkennedy22 at 7:28 pm under Uncategorized
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