I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. Confused and irritated I roll over and slap it off of my nightstand. I roll onto my back and lay as the day’s first thoughts begin to pour into my head. This is the worst part of the day. My thoughts don’t scare me, but they have yet to comfort me. I stand up to grab a cup of coffee, and head outside. I stand barefoot in the cold damp grass, as the warm coffee begins to engulf my body. Suddenly, bright headlights reflect off the morning fog, and I feel my heart drop. The car comes to a stop, and I wonder if he’ll have anyone with him. Alone, my father Jack steps out of the car and angrily heads for the house. We completely ignore one another, so I lace up my boots, throw on my favorite hoodie, and head down the hill. I walk through the morning’s dense fog, small water particles bounce off my face. I get to the beach and take my boots off. I let the sand softly move in between my toes. I look around, I am alone, I usually am.
I live on the Oregon coast in the little town of Gold Beach. Gold Beach is often filled with tourists, which provides an awkward buzz within the town. I live on a hill just North of town, excluded from most everything. I have lived here all my life, and have no desire to leave. I love how the dense morning fog hovers over the town until late in the afternoon. I love how rainy days turns into rainy weeks, and eventually rainy months. I love the soft sunsets that lay over the water after each summer day. I love the feeling of cold wet sand falling in between my toes. As a kid, I remember feeling a similar connection with this area. I remember how it made me feel a sense of comfort. It made me feel as if I get through anything, as long as I had a relationship with my home. As a kid, I remember running away. Not away from home, but away from my father. Running away into cold dark nights, running until my feet hit the sand. Running until I knew I would be okay. Now, instead of running I’m searching.
My eyes open quickly, as I look up and stare blankly at the ceiling above. A second loud crash comes from the kitchen, screaming follows. I get up to reach for my duffle bag under my bed, and head for the door. My duffle bag contains, four changes of clothes, a small cooking oven, a sleeping bag, and a lantern. My mind is blank but my eyes are damp. Tears slowly begin down my face as I walk. “I’m not scared,” I think to myself, but I’m tired. I’m tired of being used to this, I’m tired of running. I finally reach the beach and lay my duffle bag on the ground. I pull the lantern out, turn it on, and continue to walk. Shortly after, I see a handmade wooden shelter. I walk up to it and look inside. In the top right corner is the name, “RYE” signed “Spring 2009.” I smile and lay my sleeping bag down.
The cold damp morning awakens me. I reach for my bag and grab my large raincoat. I roll out of the shelter, and head for the water. I sit at the water’s edge for hours and just stare. I stare into the cloudy abyss and try to convince myself of what i’m searching for. At this point, all I can hear are the trees swaying in the soft winds, and the constant crash of the waves. As I stare off I can’t help but notice something feels different. It’s not the fog, or the flock of seagulls, or the fishermen on the wharf. Something inside me feels different, different than when I routinely stay on the beach and look out amongst the waves. I stand up and head South down the beach. As I walk I spot a bright blue object out of the corner of my eye. It seems to be a tarp connected to both a tree and a large rock. As I look closer it seems as if the tarp is acting as a roof. Hesitant at first, I begin toward the shelter.
As I get closer, the smell of burning firewood and warm tea beckon me from the shelter. I don’t want to intrude, so I stand about ten feet away and gently holler. Shortly after, the entrance of the shelter flies open. On the other side stands a short dark woman, with long frazzled hair, and bright blue eyes. She’s wearing a large coat, torn blue jeans, and excessively large hiking boots.
“Well hi there,” she says, “what’s your name?”
“Rye,” I say, “what’s yours?” The feeling in my stomach begins to maneuver throughout my entire body. She looks about my age, perhaps a year or two older.
“Hi Rye,” she says, “my names Luna.” she smiles, and says, “would you like to come in It’s a bit warmer than it is out there.”
“Yes, thank you!” I smile and follow her underneath the tarp. We sit down and I comfortably lay back in the chair.
“So,” She says “What’re you doing with a duffle bag in the middle of winter, on the Oregon Coast?”
I laugh and say, “Well I live here.” she looks at me, and I can feel that she is comforted by me as well. She looks at me like she’s reading a book, a book that she’s read hundreds of times. “If you live here, then why the hell are you sleeping on the beach in the middle of winter?” she exclaims.
“Because it’s my best option,” I say. As we sit I begin to tell her about my father. I tell her how we hardly talk, and when we do it’s anything but positive. Throughout the entire conversation Luna looks at me as if she knows what i’m going to say, before I say it. It seems like she has always been there, always apart of me.
She looks at me and say’s “Rye, how do you feel?” “Do you feel a sense of comfort”
My body is warm, and for the first time my mind feels free. I lay and listen to my heartbeat. I close my eyes and let my body begin to float. I lay still as all of my thoughts begin to fade. Luna’s voice reappears.
“Rye” she says, “you have two choices.” “You can let your mind go, and travel to a place of pure happiness. Or you can remain, and find happiness.”
My mind begins to spin, memories of me and dad at a young age flow through my mind. The small moments that I’ve had, make me realize that happiness is possible. In fact happiness is right there, right in front of me. So close I can touch it, I reach out as far as I can reach.
“Goodbye Rye.” Luna says softly, “goodbye.”
Loud beeping enters my mind. I cannot see, but I can hear loud yelling and commotion coming from all around me. A constant beeping replays in my mind. I open my eyes and stare blankly at the bright blue ceiling above. Long clear tubes are attached to my forearms and chest. I look up and see my father. Tears are rolling down his face, he walks over and begins to hold me, his embrace is warm. I cannot help but smile.