The Devilishly Handsome Man
Carl was fifteen, the awkward stage of life, and trying to find the right deodorant to mask his stinky b.o. But now he has to do deal with these so-called “superpowers”. Like, what hell was he supposed to do with pinky fingers that shot out tuna fish sandwiches and eight other fingers that shot out condiments? The ring fingers shot relish. The middle finger dropped dollops of ketchup, and the pointer fingers sprayed sour cream in an inconsistent manner. And, of course these “superpowers” weren’t equipped with super wonder aim. He aimed straight at a target, and his condiments did a zigzag action, and when he thought had hit the target it did a complete one eighty on him. It totally sucked because he wanted to be the superhero of his city.
Okay, not that his city needed a lot of saving, but it was nice to dream about being wanted. On a good day, Carl witnessed seven cats getting stuck in trees, three times when there were four to five police cars racing by, and two fires, all while during the fifteen minute walk home. Carl just kept his eyes down on the severely cracked sidewalk and he kept walking until he got to his small red house with dozens of flamingos tracing the outline of his property.
Everyday after school, Carl ran up the creaky wooden steps to his room, so he could put on his red cape, hot pink Sketcher shoes, polka dot tights, a red bodysuit that had a lot of padding in the shoulders and fake chest hairs (for the masculinity aesthetic, of course), and a neon purple light up mask. Before he could practice his “superpowers”, he had to turn on some EDM music, and make weird poses in his mirror.
As Carl mentioned earlier: his aim wasn’t the greatest, which was clearly shown throughout his backyard. His eyes fixated on piles of ketchup a foot beyond his permanently condiment stained patio, a wide spread pattern of sour cream across the flamingo fence, and relish in the trees. His backyard looked as if someone closed their eyes, held a paintball gun trigger down, and spun in a circle for two hours. But, by some miracle, there was one patch of green in the corner of the flamingo fence. He sat a test dummy down, and took a step back. Next, he raised his left pinky finger, and aimed at the dummy, and his tuna fish sandwich soared like his cape. Carl didn’t care where it landed: head, ear, foot, hand, eyes, shoulder, torso…anywhere…he was desperate. Sadly, not a single crumb or tuna landed on the dummy. It landed on the flamingos. He tried again, but nothing had changed. It was like he was stuck in a failure track loop. He decided to go to bed and try again tomorrow. Not that it would help. He was never going to find a good use for these “superpowers”. He should give up now.
Carl thought about how his practice went, and all he could think about was how much he sucked. His body felt heavy in his cozy lamb chop blankets, and in few seconds he was asleep. Suddenly, Carl’s room became very still and cold, like someone was watching him. Carl woke up instantly throwing his body in an upright position. He was instantly annoyed when he called “Who’s here? Who dares to interrupt my beauty sleep. ” A six foot one body came forward breaking the blackness barrier around him. A man spoke in a beautiful methodical voice “Beauty sleep will be the furthest from your mind when my evil plan takes action.”
Carl’s voice had gotten quiet, “ What are you going to do to me?”
“It’s not what I’m gonna do to you, but what I’m going do to the city!” he cackled like a witch. “Let me tell you my plan because I know you can’t do anything to stop me. Mwahaha. First, I’m gonna place two moldy mango mochi bombs somewhere in the city, so when the timer goes off the city will be covered in smelly, sticky, yellow desserts. Then, while everyone is freaking out over this disastrous genius idea, I’m going to rob the largest bank- I Got Yo Money Bank Inc.” The mysterious man slipped back into the darkness, which seemed darker now.
Carl woke up to the grossest smell ever. Wait this couldn’t be what I think it is, right? Carl thought. But, then he heard a bunch of frantic screams. He jumped out of bed, and threw on his superhero outfit. He ran outside, and headed towards the middle of the city. As he got closer to the middle of city, the smell of moldy mango mochi got so bad that he was coughing up a storm. His speed was slowing down, and that’s when he noticed his hot pink Sketchers were no longer hot pink. When he got to the middle of the city he saw the same figure that was in his room. It was light out and Carl could see that the figure that stood before him last night was totally and utterly hideous. The man resembled Superman, but better looking. Carl would have rather eaten the moldy mango mochi, then admit that.
The man spotted Carl, and gave him a frightening grin, and then he ran towards the bank. Carl began to panic, but he needed to calm down because he was about to pass out. I need to catch the bad man, then deal with the sticky situation. Carl thought.
Carl knew the bank was two blocks to the east. Off he went, running like the wind. Out of breath, Carl opened the once clean bank door, and there was the man with three duffle bags. The man had filled a duffle bag with money, and he was in the middle of filling the second and third duffle bags with pens and mints. Carl screamed heroically, “Hey, stop it you devilishly handsome man…I mean ugly beast!”
“Oh yeah! What are you gonna to do!” The man yelled back in a menacing but smooth voice.
Carl screamed back “ I’m going to…uhhh…unleash my deadly weapons…tuna fish sandwiches and condiments. You’re not the only one who can have food as your weapon of choice.” Here goes nothing. Carl thought. He first used his pinkies and both of the shots landed nowhere near the gorgeous man. Next he tried using his ring finger…and…it… didn’t work. The man became impatient. Carl saw the man was going for something behind his back. By time Carl reacted the man threw another freaking moldy mango mochi ice cream bomb. Carl was so infuriated by the devilishly handsome man because he had interrupted his beauty sleep.
Then Carl then felt a weird sensation, as if he could tear a car apart with his bare hands, or slice a diamond in half a hundred feet away using his superpowers. Just as the man finished filling up the duffle bags, Carl whipped out his middle finger forgetting that was his ketchup finger. The stunning man looked at Carl, and bursted out laughing with tears running down his face. “Enough with these silly games. I’ve got places to be,” the man furiously said. He trudged through the sticky mochi, and when he put his hand on door tuna fish sandwiches, relish, ketchup, and sour cream hit his behind. “Now who’s laughing? That’s right, me, cause I’m not the one with condiments all over their keister,” Carl said while laughing with tears of happiness streaming down his face. The chiseled man turned around with a face as red as cherry. He began to charge at him, but suddenly he slipped on the mochi ice cream He looked like a cartoon character slipping on a banana. He was out cold. Carl took off his shoes, and unthreaded his shoelaces in order to tie up the gorgeous man.
A policeman burst in covered in the smelly dessert, picked up the handsome man, and threw him over his shoulder. This was the last time Carl saw the devilishly handsome man.
Three months later, after, there was a tuna fish sandwich topped with relish, sour cream, and ketchup statue built in honor of what stopped the man. Carl wasn’t recognized as the hero, yet he knew in his heart that he was the superhero who saved his city.