Healthy Relationships Men’s/Women’s group

March 1st

Unhealthy relationship -Making a get out plan: what will this look like? 

Leave an unhealthy/abusive relationship emergency: 

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Out-of-an-Abusive-Relationship

 

Sign for HELP – TikTok

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUJV-9wvdB8

 

Shelters in Eugene area: 

https://www.lanecc.edu/gec/domestic-violence-resources

https://www.google.com/search?q=abuse+emergency+shelter+eugene+oregon&ei=5k0eYr2KA_TA0PEPpdyq0AQ&ved=0ahUKEwi9lY7BrqX2AhV0IDQIHSWuCkoQ4dUDCA4&uact=5&oq=abuse+emergency+shelter+eugene+oregon&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBQgAEKIEOgcIABBHELADOgoIABBHELADEMkDOgQIABANSgQIQRgASgQIRhgAUK0FWLsQYPESaAFwAXgAgAFQiAGdA5IBATaYAQCgAQHIAQjAAQE&sclient=gws-wiz&safe=active&ssui=on

 

Feb 8th

Kahoot quiz – Anders provide link. 

Peer pressure “Great Escapes” 

As a group: Go over the list of scenarios where peer pressure will/can happen and how to avoid it. 

https://hugateen.com/articles/parenting/resist-peer-pressure/

Ideas of situations from previous weeks: 

• Come hang out w me this weekend.. 

NO, i need this weekend to myself. I have plans already. My roomate doesnt want anyone over . Where I live? No , that’s personal. I dont know you well enough.  

• Can I borrow…phone, MONEY ? 

No, sorry I dont have any money? I have very low battery…

• Shoplift/ Steal at the store

 

• Do drugs
• Skip work/school
• Be in relationship/ have sex / spending the night:

No, I dont feel ready. 

• you’re friend shows a inappropriate photo of boy/girlfriend they just broke up with and ask you to forward to everyone you know. 

No, it’s illegal. Why are you asking me to do this? Im not interested getting involved. I support you, but I’m not going to do this. 

What other scenarios can you think of…….

 

Jan 25th

Quick Kahoot: Peer pressure  (Anders provide link)

– then go over list from last week. 

New:

Here is a list of basic “come back comments/great escapes” for some situations, and a video. 

https://hugateen.com/articles/parenting/resist-peer-pressure/

 

Later we’ll create our own list and think about what scenarios we’re wanting to have some “great escapes for”.  Example: “Dude, I’m not a thief.”  “No way, my parole officer said one more strike and I go away for a long time”. Man, all this junk food must be going to your brain, i’m putting it back.” 

• Come hang out w me this weekend.. 
• Can I borrow…phone, MONEY 
• Shoplift/ Steal at the store
• Do drugs
• Skip work/school
• Be in relationship/ have sex
• you’re friend shows a inappropriate photo of boy/girlfriend they just broke up with and ask you to forward to everyone you know. 

What other scenarios can you think of…….

 

 

Jan 18th

Check in from prior week with Jasmin. What did we talk about? 

The week before that we discussed the peer-pressure. Remember the video of the people conforming to saying that “the wrong line” was identical, just to fit in with the group. 

Here is a list of basic “come back comments/great escapes” for some situations, and a video. 

https://hugateen.com/articles/parenting/resist-peer-pressure/

 

Later we’ll create our own list and think about what scenarios we’re wanting to have some “great escapes for”. 

• Come hang out w me this weekend.. 
• Can I borrow…phone, MONEY 
• Shoplift/ Steal at the store
• Do drugs
• Skip work/school
• Be in relationship/ have sex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12/18/20

Sometimes we take the special people in our lives for granted.  It’s very important to tell those people how much they mean to us.  

Who has loved you into being? Watch the clip from Fred Rogers and think of the person or people who have cared and supported you.

Now do something to show them how much you appreciate them.  It could be a call, a thank you, a letter, art you create, a hug etc.  Be specific on how they have helped you and how much it means to you.  This will help improve your relationship and the bond you have with  each other.

12/4/20

How to Stop Arguing and Actually Solve Your Relationship Problems

 You’re in a close relationship. Naturally, you’re going to fight once in awhile. However, being frustrated or angry with others doesn’t have to be destructive, as long as you know how to approach the argument.

Fighting of any sort indicates that people have taken a stance against each other. Fighting pits me against you, with expectations that one of us will emerge as a winner and the other as the loser. Participants are antagonists, competitors for who will win.

Recognize There Are Two Problems: Your Emotions and The Situation

 When you first get upset or angry with others, there are almost always two problems: your emotions and the actual problem. For example, say you’re frustrated with your sister for not doing the dishes. You now have two problems to solve: the dishes need to be done and you need to no longer be upset with your sister for not doing them.

People need to take a calming break from talking together if either or both are getting emotionally heated. As she says, “Anger is an important emotion” but “when tempers flare our capacity for clear thinking, empathy, and creative problem-solving go down the drain…” Discussions are far more likely to prove productive when both parties are calm enough to be open to hearing the other person’s perspective, and to be able to express their own concerns without finger-pointing.  you may want to make sure you’re not one of those irrational people that make productive discussions difficult.

Deal With Your Emotions First

Of course, being frustrated and venting anger is all normal though continually focusing on your anger without resolving it can just make you angrier. Accepting that your emotions are a real thing that needs to be dealt with and distinct from the subject of your actual argument sets the stage for resolution.

When it comes to anger management, everyone has their own way to chill out. If you find yourself on the verge of a fight with your loved one, take a moment to deal with your stress, and allow them to do the same. In most cases, it’s probably best for you to do so alone. Do whatever brings your energy down. Go for a walk. Listen to loud music. Write an angry note and then destroy it.

This will work best if you let the person know ahead of time how you best handle stress. Stomping off, muttering under your breath without a word is a quick way to hurt someone. Before you find yourself in a fight, know how the other person deals with anger and make sure they know what you need. Even saying “I need to go for a walk. Let’s talk in a few minutes,” is more beneficial than “Whatever.”

Most importantly, once you’re done calming down, come back. As we mentioned earlier, when a fight erupts, you’re dealing with two problems. Calming down solves one problem and it’s easy to feel like everything is better. but if you’re having a persistent problem with your partner, it won’t disappear just because you are now relaxed

Deal With the Situation

 Once you’ve calmed down, you can start approaching your problem rationally. For starters, you’re now in a better position to choose your battles. When you come back take a collaborative approach. If you engage a problem as you vs. your partner, you create barriers that only make a happy relationship harder.

Collaborative partnering, by contrast, involves side-by-side problem-solving. In collaborative discussions of even the most sensitive and difficult issues, both parties pursue mutual understanding. Both seek to understand the other’s point of view as well as to express their own concerns. Both presume that a broader and deeper understanding of both their own and their partner’s concerns will open a pathway for moving forward that will be responsive to all of these concerns.

Sometimes the problems will simply be how you feel. “When you won’t put your smartphone down at dinner, it makes me feel neglected” is just as legitimate of a problem as arguments over household chores. The important thing is to express the issue as something that the two of you can work together to resolve.

Once the talk is done, be sure to take action. Your ability to communicate is important and helps with feeling more of a bond, but if nothing changes, you’ll be having the same conversations again in a week. Once the two of you have established what needs to change, follow the same tactics you would to form good habits. Remind yourself later about the things the other person wants to change.

Make up

You’ve gotten angry. You’ve calmed down. You’ve talked it out. You’ve come up with a plan for what needs to change. However, if you want to be sure that this becomes a habit, reward yourselves. Ideally, you’ll enjoy the other person’s company and make each other happy. If the two of you have had a healthy discussion about your issues, take a moment to reward yourself with each other’s company. Instead of settling for just not being angry, do what you can to leave each other content, and looking forward to a better relationship than you had yesterday.

11/20/20

11/13/20

Sometimes people lie.  Let talk about what motives people to lie so we can understand and recognize when it’s happening to us.

Liars

Even though everyone lies, it is clear that some people tell lies more readily than others.

How can you tell if someone is lying:

not looking you in the eye, shifty eyes, shaking, nervous, fiddling, way too many details, slim on details, can’t think of what to say next, heart rate goes up, rapid breathing, sweating, flushed cheeks, changing stories, if you question if it’s not true, trust your gut, weird giggle or laugh, distraction, history of lying

The Personality of a Liar

“Who lies?” Did a stereotype pop into your mind? Did you guess that frequent liars are more likely to be manipulative and scheming people as well? People who are more manipulative lie more often than people who are less manipulative.

Manipulative people tend to care about themselves, so you might also think that liars are generally people who do not care about other people. But that’s not totally true. Frequent liars can also be people who care too much about other people. What they care about, in particular, is what other people think of them. This is the impression-management personality type, and these people tell lots of lies, too.

Extroverts tell more lies than introverts because the little lies of everyday life can make social interactions run smoothly. Extroverts are versed in social niceties, and practice them so often that they probably do not even realize how often they are lying.

Responsible people were less likely to tell lies than less responsible people—especially the kinds of lies that are self-serving.

Your Good Qualities that Tempt Other People to Lie to You

1. Your high regard and high expectations for the special people in your life. Our high regard is so valuable, they just don’t want to disappoint us. When they do something they are not proud of (as all humans do), we are the last person they want to tell. So they lie to us, to maintain our shiny view of them a bit longer.
2. Your high moralstandards. When other people see you as someone with high moral standards, they don’t want to admit to their own failings, not even the small ones we all share. Because you are such a good person, other people are tempted to lie to you when they are not so good themselves.
3. Your attractiveness — not just the physical kind. When other people admire you, they often want to impress you. That might mean lying to you so they seem more impressive than they really are. If they don’t think you will admire them just the way they are, they will be tempted to lie to you so you will be impressed.
4. Your status or power. If you have power over other people, if you have control over their lives, if you have something they want, then they may be tempted to lie to you. Sometimes the lying takes the form of sucking up. Or they try to impress you by lying about their accomplishments and background.

Your Not-So-Great Qualities that Tempt Other People to Lie to You

5. You are a scary person. Some people are scary in bad ways, but other people just have a style that can seem intimidating. If so, that can make it hard for other people to tell you the truth when they are worried that you might not like the truth.
6. You are in a bad place, emotionally. If you are in a very vulnerable place and other people know that, they may be reluctant to tell you something you might not want to hear. If they think you can’t handle the truth because you are too fragile, they will be tempted to lie.
7. You really don’t want to know the truth, and other people can tell that about you. Sometimes even very confident and successful people don’t want to know the truth. When things start to go wrong, the people who could give them a heads-up are afraid to do so. Instead, they suppress vital information, or they lie.
8. You show by example that certain truths should never be spoken. The way you behave can tell other people whether you want to know the truth, whether you realize it or not. When you can’t seem to tell the truth about certain things, you are setting an example for others.

11/6/20

What’s preventing you from finding love?

Life as a single person offers many rewards, such as being free to pursue your own hobbies and interests, learning how to enjoy your own company, and appreciating the quiet moments of solitude. However, if you’re ready to share your life with someone and want to build a lasting, worthwhile relationship, life as a single person can also be frustrating.

For many of us, our emotional baggage can make finding the right romantic partner a difficult journey. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. Or maybe your dating history consists only of brief flings and you don’t know how to make a relationship last. You could be attracted to the wrong type of person or keep making the same bad choices over and over, due to an unresolved issue from your past. Or maybe you’re not putting yourself in the best environments to meet the right person, or that when you do, you don’t feel confident enough. Whatever the case may be, you can overcome your obstacles and find a healthy romantic relationship.

What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:

• Mutual respect
• Trust
• Honesty
• Support
• Fairness/equality
• Separate identities
• Good communication
• A sense of playfulness/fondness

Reassess your misconceptions about dating and relationships

Expectations about dating and finding love

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. Retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

Consider what’s really important

Distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not.

Wants include things like occupation, intellect, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits seem crucially important at first, over time you’ll often find that you’ve been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more important to find someone who is:

• Curious rather than extremely intelligent. Curious people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are bright may languish intellectually if they lack curiosity.
• Sensual rather than sexy.
• Caring rather than beautiful or handsome.
• A little mysterious rather than glamorous.
• Humorous rather than wealthy.
• From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific ethnic or social background.

Needs are different than wants in that needs are those things that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at a bar before last call.

What feels right to you?

When looking for lasting love, forget what looks right, forget what you think should be right, and forget what your friends, parents, or other people think is right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship feel right

We will break into guys and girls group for half the class 🙂

10/16

Free event at the park block using light call BEAM https://www.artcityeugene.com/beam

 

Expectations (agreed upon in class):

Whats said in guys/girls group class, stays in guys/girls group class . 

If sensitive topics discussed – leave discreetly, or turn off video and/or mute conversation and rejoin when you feel ready. 

Respectful of others, and their opinions. We will be discussing some topics that may trigger emotions that make you feel uncomfortable. 

Don’t interrupt the teacher or person talking. Respect turn-taking (especially in ZOOM meetings) .  

Don’t “HOG” the class or meeting time, allow others to share their opinions. 

 

Class went over number 1 and 2 of the “Relationships chart”.  See below. 

FUN FOR THE WEEKEND

To reduce crowding and allow for safe social distancing, we are expanding the ArtWalk experience from one night to a full week. Come downtown to enjoy Eugene’s art scene and support local artists, October 2-9! We will not host a guided tour, but you can check out a list of open venues and art exhibitions below. BRING Recycling 4446 Franklin Blvd, Eugene, OR 97403  (Website) Hours: Monday-Saturday, 9am-5pm; Sunday, 10am-5pm BRING challenged designers to visit on August 1 to comb through a prearranged selection of materials and pick out whatever called to them for the annual Product Design Challenge. Designers’ selections were documented with “before” photos (right) so that the community can see each amazing transformation. Some of the materials chosen include: Plexiglas triangles, iron fencing, “Houdini” crate on wheels, woven plastic “Super Sack,” roll-up cork, old mattress springs, cabinets, and lots of oak planks.  Stop by to see the final products created by these designers!